My dad has Alzheimer's Disease. He's been diagnosed for, oh I don't know, close to five years. He and my mom moved to Florida shortly after retirement and spent many glorious years in Florida. They were involved at their church, they had domino playing buddies, and they loved the little neighborhood where they lived.
My dad's health, aside from the Alzheimer's is not good. He has had several bypass surgeries; he has Crohn's Disease, diabetes, and restless leg syndrome. In all, he's a mess. My siblings and I talked my parents into moving back to St. Louis so that the three of us who live here can help take care of them. I know it was really hard for my mom. In Florida, she had lots of friends and many things to occupy her time.
Here, it's been hard for her to reconnect with friends. Taking care of my dad has been a full-time job, and I suspect, although she would not completely admit it, she is battling some depression.
I find it hard to go over their and spend time with them because every chance my mom gets (literally sometimes, when my dad goes in the other room,) she talks about how bad my dad is. The truth is, I don't want to know. I know he asks questions a million times. I know he can get agitated. I'm sure that having to live with that 24/7 is grueling, but he's my dad.
My mom needs to get involved in an Alzheimer's support group, but she won't. I don't know why, but she won't. So I'm torn. I know I should spend time with them, but I don't want to. It's easy to make excuses why--we live so far away, we have other obligations...but still.
Friday was my dad's 80th birthday. If you talked to him and didn't know him before Alzheimer's you would think he looks and acts pretty darn good for 80. But you can see the confusion in his eyes sometimes. My dad was sharp as a tack. He had (and still has most of the time,) a smart sense of humor, and he could add up numbers in his head like crazy.
Today, we've having a party for him. We sent out invitations for an open house and greeting card party. He's received over 40 cards from people through out all stages of his life--his family, men and women he worked with, church folks from Florida who miss him so. And there will be many friends from St. Louis who will make an appearance at the party today.
I was touched by the number of people he worked with who sent well-wishes. All of them talked about his sense of humor, but also about his integrity, his fairness, his mentoring skills. I didn't know much about what my dad did when we was working. I really didn't even know many of the people he worked with. I'm glad I got to find those things out about my dad.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Gracefully aged
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3 comments:
My dad didn't have Alzheimer's disease, but he did have strokes. Each one left him a little more confused and dependent. Then my mom passed on leaving dad alone. My siblings and I decided that none of us had the time to care for him and we moved him to a nursing home. It was the worst decision I have ever made in my life and ten years later I regret it deeply.
I can tell by your blog you already feel concern about your actions. If I were you I would move the other things in my life aside and do whatever I could to make my parents happier. They won't be here much longer and you will feel better about everything if you help them now.
Thanks for the advice. It seems every time I commit to spending more time with them, something seems to get in the way. I will keep trying.
I've been caring for my elderly mother fulltime since she fell three and half years ago. Before that I was half a caretaker because she could get herself to bed. She was having troubles with her mind before the fall, but far worse after and now at 88, she almost doesn't know me at times....calling me mother...and I'm her 55 year old son. Where we live there's a state program that provides money for respite care...it gets me out of the house a couple of times a month. The State figures it saves them money to help families who care for their elderly parents and who don't put them in nursing homes. I just couldn't put her in a nursing home. So yeah, it's important for your mother to get out and circulate in the world. I'm not certain that an Alzheimer's disease support group would be the best...perhaps something in a hobby that she enjoyed. She does need to get away and any time you kids can help, give her that help...if even for a few hours. Happy B'day to your father, my best to your family, all of whom I don't know including you since I just stumbled upon your blog...but know this: there are people out here who know what you're going through as a family as your parents age. It's surprising how rewarding, in very small but important ways, caring for an elderly parent can be. The daily lessons of life are often not seen. As you age, you'll have learned a great deal from your parents how to do it the right way.
That's a strange thing to say, I suppose, but I've learned lots of strange lessons caring for my mother...and she would have died 7 years ago had I not been here to help her then. So I've given her life she might not have had...seeing great-grandchildren, etc. We enrich our own lives more than we think when we help our elderly family members. Good luck.
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